Wednesday, April 01, 2009

My room-mate snores like a teenage hulk hogan.
I suspect that my parents knew about this before sending me to res, because I found a pair of earplugs in one of my bags.
Last night I was forced to try them out.
Good news: I slept right through the snoring.
Bad news: I slept right through my alarm clock.
What's the dealio with chickens?
I'm pretty sure they're the animal with the most number of jokes about them (who really inquires about why a dog or cow crosses a road?).
Not only that, but they've also become the yardstick against which the flavour of all other animals is judged. How did that happen? If the taste of chicken is so common, how is it that the flavour wasn't named after any other animal that tastes the same?
Also, how come in "Cow and Chicken" you can see the chicken's whole body, but only the boobs of the cow?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

When you're living on your own you end up smelling everything.
Here's my procedure for breakfast:
  1. Get cereal from on top of the fridge
  2. Get milk from inside the fridge
  3. Smell milk (just in case)
  4. Get bowl from bookshelf
  5. Smell bowl
  6. Get spoon from sink
  7. Smell spoon
  8. Get another spoon because this one smells funny
  9. Smell new spoon
  10. Mix cereal and milk and eat.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I just realized that after 5 years of being in the same school, I still don't actually know what time school starts. I've always left home at 7:15 and then I just wait at school until the bell goes.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Many people believe that the English language is sufficiently advanced, and that we have a vocabulary broad enough to describe virtually everything imaginable. I used to believe that English had all we would ever need, until five minutes ago when I realized (while in the shower) that there is a massive problem with the fundamentals of English.

This issue is best explained using a demonstration. Here's the scene: Mark is the head of a small marketing firm that's pitching a new ad campaign to one of their clients. Mark's subordinate - Fred - is the ambitious youngster who has designed the majority of the adverts for the campaign.
Mark: We've spent the past two weeks designing this ad campaign to be perfect for your target market, and I've done the majority of it myself to ensure that it's of the standard that you expect.

Fred: Actually I did most of the work.

Mark: You're a homo.

Fred: No I'm not.

Mark: Yes you are.

Fred: Am not.

Mark: Are.

Fred: Am not.

Mark: Are.

Fred: Am not.

Mark: Are.

Fred: Am not.

Mark: Are.

Fred: Am not.

Mark: Are.

Fred: Just a little.

It's clear that Fred was the loser of this fierce argument, but what lead to Mark's success? At first glance it appears as if Mark won simply because Fred is an anal jabber, but after analysing the debate more carefully you will realize that the English language gave Mark the upper hand.

I've managed to pinpoint the problem to the manner in which negatives are expressed in English. When Mark seeks to enforce his point - that Fred is a gentleman of the back door - he simply replies with "are". When Fred vehemently denies this claim (of being a poo pusher) he has to reply with "am not".

This is where the problem lies. "Are" consists of a single syllable, whereas "am not" consists of two syllables. According to my tests, "are" takes approximately 445 milliseconds to say, while "am not" takes between 900 milliseconds and 1 second to say! This huge disparity results in Mark being able to utter more "are" 's than the number of "am not" 's that Fred can declare. In fact, Mark would be able to double that number.

I find it unbelievable that we continue to use a language that is so blatantly biased against homosexuals. I mean, they have feelings too (quadriplegics, on the other hand....).

The simplest solution to this problem would be for Fred to reply with a single-syllabic word that means the same as "am not". Unfortunately there is no such word in the English language, so a word with the most similar meaning would have to be used instead - "aren't" - however this would make him sound unintelligent in front of their client. A foolish rectum rider is the last person the client would want handling their ad campaign, so Fred and Mark would certainly lose the marketing job.
Instead, I suggest creating a new single-syllablic word with the same meaning as "am not". This word would have to be single-syllabic to ensure that it's pronunciation time is similar to that of "are". Simply contracting "am not" to "amn't" produces a word that is difficult to pronounce - especially during a heated debate. In addition, this may be confused with the word "dammit" which would probably lead to tension between the two speakers. Instead, a completely new word needs to be formed, and my contribution to the English language is that precise word: "Nog".

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Yesterday my business studies teacher pissed me off.
We were meant to be studying for the test we would be writing the next day but most of the class was just chatting (thats pretty much all we do in bs). Eventually our teacher - we will call him Mr. Strydom (because that's his name) - got angry enough to start shouting (loud enough to be heard over the noise we were making) about how much work he puts into the subject and how we don't give anything back and how disrespectful we are. Obviously as soon as he started lecturing us I stopped paying attention to him (because thats pretty much all he does in bs). He carried on shouting at us and somewhere along the line I smiled at something (completely unrelated to him, since I'd lost interest in him). This is what happened next:
Douchebag: "You! Get out my class right now!"
It took me a couple of seconds but eventually I realized he was staring at me for some reason.
Me: "Me?"
Douchebag: "Yes you! And you can wipe that smile off your face!"
Me: "Are you seriously trying to kick me out of class for smiling?"
Douchebag: "You have no respect blah blah blah im gay blah blah blah..."
At this point I decided to be the bigger man (which is really difficult if you consider how big he actually is) so I just said "ok" and shook my head. Apparently he doesn't like anyone challenging his "biggest man" title, so he replied with "Oh yea thats right! Just go shaking your head at me... That's fine!". I couldn't resist anymore, so I just said "You sure its ok? You not going to try kick me out for it?". He didn't like that very much.

Monday, September 01, 2008

My maid Joyce is really nice and a hard worker. but as of 5 minutes ago I'm pretty sure she's crazy.
I just told my friend about it so I'll copy and paste our conversation.

Shiraz: waoh im so freaked out right now
i just walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and i see my maid thru the window, mopping our driveway
Yiyi: how does she mop the drive way?
with a regular mop! ur not meant to mop a driveway!!
im scared she might have gone insane
did u ask her wat she's doing?
Shiraz: yiyi, u dont ask crazy ppl questions! u hit them over the head and run away as fast as u can!
Yiyi: hahahahahaha
when i walked to the kitchen i just glanced outside and then when i was pouring my water i was like... hang on... was she MOPPING the DRIVEWAY??!
so then i walked back and i just stared at her
but i was hiding behind a tree so she wouldnt see me
i hope

It's been 2 years since I've updated this blog. I've been busy.
I decided to start writing about my life again, sort of like a running autobiography, because I'm really bad at remembering stuff.
If anyone besides me ever reads this, you now owe me R50. I don't know why, just pay it and we can go back to being friends.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Here are some more pickup lines for your perusal:

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it?

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

* Results may vary